


Just Be.

by Lillian_theRENThead



Category: American Idiot - Green Day/Armstrong
Genre: Johnny being the pan icon we all know he is, M/M, and Tunny's just there getting sick of their bullshit, and Will being the closeted disaster we all know he is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 11:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17806829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillian_theRENThead/pseuds/Lillian_theRENThead
Summary: I’m not gayI’m not.I don’t dream about kissing another dude.I don’t stare at the other boys in the locker room.I’m not gay.I’m not.





	Just Be.

**Author's Note:**

> Whoa longest fic yet. Almost 2,000 words? What?  
> Anyways, I made some american idiot (musical) content and thought I'd share it with you.

I’m not gay  
I’m not.  
I don’t dream about kissing another dude.  
I don’t stare at the other boys in the locker room.   
I’m not gay.  
I’m not.   
I don’t prance around in tight pants throwing glitter in people’s faces.  
I don’t own any Madonna or Cyndi Lauper CDs.   
I’m not gay.  
I’m not gay.  
I’m not gay.  
I’m not.   
You know, the sleepovers at Johnny’s house would be pretty gay if we weren’t absolutely, positively straight. We carry the TV up to his room and pretend were gonna watch a crazy scary horror movie or some super violent action movie our moms won’t let us see, when really we’re just gonna watch “Robin Hood” again. I never really liked Robin Hood; I think it’s kinda boring. But Johnny loves it, and I’m willing to watch it just to see his eyes light up when that weird rooster comes on screen. We quietly sing along to the songs and laugh at all the funny parts even though we’ve seen them a million times. We paint our nails with his mom’s black nail polish (it’s not gay; it’s punk-rock) and we screw around with her eyeliner (also punk-rock). I’ve always wondered if she cares that we use her makeup. Johnny insists she says it’s fine as long as we put it back after and she doesn’t say anything about the messy dark rings around our eyes when she brings us popcorn and hot chocolate. But I know my mom would have a cow if my sisters played with her makeup, so I can’t even imagine what she’d do if she found her straight son and his straight friend using it. I used to sleep on the floor next to Johnny’s bed, but now I just sleep in the bed with him. We’re friends. Friends share beds all the time. There’s nothing gay about it. There’s nothing gay about us waking up tangled around each other. We both move around in our sleep, we should expect it.  
And we talk.   
We talk a lot.  
We don’t talk about girls or whatever hot actress the other guys are obsessed with.  
We talk about actually important things.  
“-I love my mom and stuff and I want her to be happy, but I just don’t get why she has to get married again. Y’know?”  
I nod.  
“And I know what I think doesn’t really matter, but I guess I’d like it if she’d at least pretend to care.”  
I nod again, taking a deep breath and inhaling the scent of Johnny’s shampoo. We’re so close I can feel him breathing next to me. It’s fast, almost panicked. I know I should bring it up, but he’s so close to me and it’s so nice and bringing it up would make him move away.  
“But I can’t tell her that ‘cause then she’ll start crying again and ask if this is about Dad and if I want to talk to a shrink and all that bullshit.”  
“But it is about your Dad, isn’t it?” I ask, mostly to show I’m listening. Not that he would stop talking if I wasn’t, but I’m sure he appreciates feeling heard for once.  
“I guess…” He says, slightly annoyed. He stops talking after that. We just lay there and feel each other breathing.  
“You know, I don’t understand why people call you stupid. You’re like, the smartest guy I’ve ever met. You think about things I wouldn’t even dream to think about, and it just comes naturally to you. You sound so mature when you talk about them, it’s amazing.” I say, breaking the silence.  
“Geez Will, you sound like you have a crush on me or something.” Johnny laughs. I laugh too because of course I don’t have a crush on Johnny. I’m not gay.   
I’m not.  
I don’t.  
I definitely don’t.  
Then he looks at me with a bright smile on his face and  
Fuck.  
Maybe I do.

 

He kissed another guy.  
Johnny.  
He kissed another guy.  
He told me to meet him in the bathroom by the cafeteria and when I got there he was kissing, no, making out with Theo.  
Johnny made out with Theo.  
Theo, who is also a guy.  
Johnny did a thing that gay guys do.  
He kissed another guy.  
I stood outside the bathroom and waited for Theo to leave.  
Johnny handed me a cigarette and a paper filled up with messy writing.  
“It’s my essay for English class. I need you to proof read it for me.”  
I nodded, not sure if I was able to speak.   
“Thanks. I’ll talk to you later.” He said. I swear I saw him walk away with someone. Not just someone.  
Theo.  
…  
Johnny would tell me if he’s gay, wouldn’t he?  
We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember and we tell each other everything. So why wouldn’t he tell me something so important?  
I haven’t said anything that’d make it seem like I’d be an asshole about it.  
So he’s probably not gay, because if he was, he’d tell me.  
At least I think he would.  
I hope he would.

 

I can’t stop thinking about him.  
I can’t stop thinking about his shaggy brown hair, his beautiful green eyes, his ass in those skinny jeans…  
I’m such a fucking creep.  
I can’t stop thinking about my best friend’s ass.  
What the fuck is wrong with me  
What the fuck is wrong with me  
What the fuck is wrong with me  
What the fuck wrong with-  
“Will? Are you okay?” Tunny asks me.  
“I’m fine. Why?”  
“You were kinda staring off into space there.”  
I was?  
“So as I was saying, I think I’m gonna ask Tiffany to the dance,”  
“I thought we were gonna ditch the dance and break rules at the 7-11 instead?” I asked. It was our tradition to ditch school dances, why would Tunny ditch us for some girl?  
“I want to ask her out. The dance is the perfect thing for that. You know I’d love to come with you and Johnny, but I highly doubt Tiffany’s idea of a date is breaking rules at the 7-11”  
“Well don’t come whining to us about your awful date.”  
“I won’t. It’ll be great date. Maybe you and Johnny could get dates too.” Tunny says.   
Or maybe we could go together.  
Me and Johnny. We could go on a date.   
I could bring him flowers and his mom could take pictures of us in cheesy poses. I could adjust his tie right before we walked through the gym the doors. We’d slow dance and not care if anyone sees us. He’d say “I love you” Then we’d kiss and everything would make sense-  
“Will!”  
“What?”  
“You’re doing it again.” Tunny huffed.  
“Sorry” I mumbled.  
“Anyway, that girl Heather, the cheerleader on top of the pyramid. Her friend said she likes you. Maybe you could ask her?”  
Heather?  
The annoying little blonde who tried to ban pizza from being served at the cafeteria so she wouldn’t be tempted to break her diet?  
He thinks I should as her out?  
“Yeah maybe”

 

I have to know.  
I know it’s none of my business, but I have to know.  
What if I ask him out and it turns out he’s not gay and seeing him kiss Theo was just my imagination?  
And what if he is gay and if I don’t ask him then I’ll never get the chance to ask him out?  
I have to ask him.  
I guess there isn’t really a good time to ask your best friend if he’s gay. So I might as well ask him now.  
“Johnny, are you gay?”  
“What?”  
Shit. He sounds offended.  
This was a horrible idea  
I can’t believe I just said that   
I can’t believe I just-  
“Why are you asking?” he asks, flipping on his side so he can look at me.  
Do I tell him I saw him with Theo? Do I tell him I like him?  
“I don’t, I don’t know, I just-“  
“I’m not gay.”  
I think my heart just dropped to my stomach.  
He has the look on his face. Like he’s thinking really hard about something.   
He turns away from me and looks up at the ceiling.  
“But I do like boys.”  
What?   
“What?”  
“I said, I’m not gay, but I do like boys. I like girls too.” Johnny says as if what he’s saying makes perfect sense and there is absolutely no reason I shouldn’t understand.  
“I’m lost.” I say, hoping he’ll find some way to make me understand.  
“When I like someone I don’t care about what’s between their legs. I’m not gay. I’m not anything. Did I find you?” He asks.   
Shit. He’s mad.  
“I’m sorry…”   
“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong.”  
He gets the thinking look again.   
I don’t know what to say to him.  
I don’t know how to respond.  
I don’t know how he wants me to respond.  
“I saw you with Theo today.”  
Fuck. Why did I say that?  
“Okay?” He says.  
“What?”  
“I don’t get what the big deal is? Yeah I made out with Theo today, so what?”  
“You made out with another guy!”  
“So what?”  
“Do you like him?”  
Please say no  
Please say no  
Please say-  
“Yeah?”  
No!  
“It doesn’t bother you that you like another guy?”   
“No.”  
“Do you like girls too?”  
“Yeah.”  
What?  
“Then what are you?”  
“I told you; I’m not anything!”  
“But how can you not be something?” I ask.  
“Doesn’t it get confusing? Not knowing what you are?”  
“I don’t have to know what I am.”  
I don’t have to know what I am.  
I don’t have to know what I am.  
I don’t have to know what I am.  
“Look Will, all I know is that I really like Theo. Theo’s hot.   
I don’t care what parts he has or whatever. I like him. I shouldn’t have to call myself gay to be allowed to like another guy.”   
I nod, not knowing what else to say or do.  
“Wanna put on Robin Hood?”

 

It’s not fair.  
It’s not.  
It’s not fair that he gets to be so okay with liking another guy and I’m stressing out over it like it’s the end of the world.  
It’s not fair that he can just move on without having to figure out what he is and I can’t function until I know for sure.  
It’s not fair that he Theo can just be together.  
It’s not fair that they don’t care about calling themselves “Boyfriends” or “in a relationship.’  
They just are.  
It’s not fair.  
It’s not fair.  
It’s. Not. Fair.  
Why is this so complicated?  
Why is this so simple for Johnny, but so complicated for me?  
Why should I even bother?  
It’s easy to be straight.  
No confusion.  
Why should I even bother.  
Johnny likes Theo anyways.  
So why should I even bother.

 

“Will, I told you to get a duck egg blue tie. You’re wearing ocean blue. You’re tie is going to clash with my dress.”  
“Oops?”  
“Whatever.”  
If she was just going to end it with “whatever”, then why did she bring it up in the first place?  
“Come on, our ride’s here.”  
Great. A car full of dumb jocks and whiny cheerleaders is our ride.  
We pass the 7-11 on our way.  
Johnny and Theo are there.  
They’re sitting against the wall.  
Johnny has his head on Theo’s shoulder.  
They’re laughing.  
They’re holding hands.  
They’re kissing.  
They just are.  
He just is and he just is.  
They just are.  
Why can’t I just be?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Feedback is greatly appreciated!
> 
> My tumblr is @lilliantherenthead come rant about musicals with me.


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